Ever since your self titled album first debuted, I've been a HUGE fan. The way you can manipulate words in such a rhythym...
...wait. *holds hand to earpiece*
That's the one we're talking about right? You mean there's two Chris Browns?
...and one plays for the Texans?
OH YEAH! The kicker right?
...oh that one. Jeez there's a bunch. *returns*
Ok this got a little tougher. Don't worry though! I'm on your side Chris. You see, I understand what you're going through. You feel like people have labelled you right? They've called you nasty things like "injury prone" and "brittle." But these people are being naive. We both know you bring way more to the table than a question mark. For example, here's one scouting report I've found:
"Brown's career has declined quickly and if forced to carry the ball a high percentage of the time, he has proven to be a major durability risk, but he still can help a team as a powerful backup who doesn't have to take a ton of hits..."
See there's some positive stuff in there! It says right there that you're "powerful!" And look, even Coach Kubiak had nothing but praise to speak of you:
"Am I disappointed he's not on the field? Yes. I'm not disappointed in Chris. I just know he can help this team. We got to make sure we get him right."
That sounds like a strong endorsement to me. Look, you've got nothing to worry about, man. Just take your time, rest up, and when you get back you can show everyone the player you really are. Not some overhyped talent with an unparallelled ability to squander opportunities. But a true performer. I believe in you man.
In fact, I'm so sure that you'll be a benefit to this team that I've devised a plan to fix this whole thing and restore your good name. The best part about it, is that it uses only Brown related things. So when someone asks who helped with your resurgence, you can simply say "Brown" and people will assume you're just an aloof egocentric athlete referring to yourself in the third person. It's brilliant! Alright, here's the plan:
1) It all starts with timing...and your's has proven to be terrible. Don't worry though, there's a Brown for that. Get good with this guy, and timing will never be an issue.
2) Once that timing is back, you'll want to prove to everyone that you can still be a powerful fast runner. I'm going to set you up with another Brown who made a name for himself the same way. No, not Jim. Think Bigger. Take his advice...just make sure to tie your own shoes on gameday.
3) Alright, you've got the timing and the ability. Let's get the fans back on your side. Best way to do that? Make 'em feel sorry for you. I can't think of a better Brown than this guy...so you better take notes. I'll give him a call, but if he asks you to practice kicking drills...pass. We don't want you getting hurt all over again. You could also use some TV time to get your name back out there. I think I have a Brown for that too.
4) Finally, you NEED to stay healthy man. Think I don't have a Brown that can help with that? Think again.
So there you go, Chris. What you have there is a fail-safe plan, so I don't want to listen to any excuses. You're gonna be great....I can feel it.
(and if you flop, which I'm actually betting on, here's two more Browns who can help you: a Brown who can relate to the pink slip, and a Brown to drive you out of town. Trust me, he's good.)
Thank god your last name wasn't Okoye.
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